Intro:
So one of my Facebook friends mentioned in her post about “wishing to not have emotions”… I basically mentioned about “by becoming a robot”…
Then I realised a couple of her friends seemed to be making the same request/agreeing?!
25 November 2018:
Humanoid
Well i confess I had this wish when I was younger, and it’s something I secretly worked on. Well if people legitimately want to ‘reject’ their emotions, it IS in my opinion ‘possible’…
It would take a lot of brain conditioning, probably years of practice… since my diagnosis from 14, I’ve been fighting emotions, and at 32 I’m very much aware and usually in control of my reactions.
Obviously autism and anxiety tend to start problems before I even know it, but my mind is fighting all the time to apply “logic” and “reasoning” to all my fears and emotions.
Each morning before i get out of bed, i sit up in bed thinking about how to get up… my mind would create a crazy idea about what ‘could happen’. If I’m in a bad place mentally, i will envision getting up, tripping over Salem, he’s injured and in pain, but while i trip I smack my head on the doorframe and bleed out to death… (welcome to Katie World?). It’s a bit coo-coo, but at the time my minds telling me it’s a real possibility. My body feels weak and frail from the thought.
But… i get hungry, so I have to move. And to get up, I have to move slowly and carefully calculate each step. So I sit up, play on mobile games to take my mind off the irrational fear element. I then push my duvet back, and listen carefully for Salem coming. I rotate my body moving carefully. Sometimes I have trouble with my back, so I can’t rush anyway…
I put my feet on the floor, pull myself up, and sometimes Salem will come through wanting love and snuggles… it depends and varies every day exactly what happens, when, and anxiety levels.
But I know ‘how to get up’ even when I’m at my worst… i do of course keep diet lemonade in mini bottles and snacks by my bed, so whatever happens, I’ll be comfortable, because I sometimes wake up with migraines… so to have stuff like that available, it’s a huge mental comfort… so yeah, my back might feel locked-out, but I can grab a snack and something to drink, keeping painkillers by my bed and always having my mobile phone with me.
Logic is a tough choice when the mind is screaming illogical problems, and intrusive thoughts interrupting with precise images of awful things happening with full roll played emotion mixed in. The desperation, fear, maybe concern from other people – if something happened and I called for help, I imagine someone i love rushing to my home to help me, but too flustered to concentrate properly and have a fatal car crash en-route. Again i feel all the sadness and guilt, see the blood, almost hear the sirens and nearly see blue flashing lights, and horror on strangers faces at how horrific the accident is.
I often imagine my own death, then the sadness from family or friends. Even though I don’t feel I’m particularly valuable in society, and don’t believe others should see value in me, I know people struggle with ‘their’ emotions, and could lose control themselves.
So, I have ways of keeping myself going… getting up, and only just functioning in most cases…
But i see how far I’ve come when i see other adults behaviour…
They react almost instantly to ‘strong emotions’ erupting in most cases. Yes I slip up every now and then, but usually I feel when I’m getting angry (for example), but I’ll try to find out what’s happening before i allow myself to ‘indulge’ on negative reactions…
So when Im talking online to guys, I love joking about women’s ‘eruptions’… my usual example is;
The mans late from work… and the woman reacts…
“Where have you been? You can’t have been at work! You must have been cheating on me! How dare you treat me this way!!”
The mans reaction; “i had to work late”
The woman would still react badly without knowing the full story, and the man would finally get upset and say “I was saving up for your birthday present, i wanted to get you that necklace you wanted from the shop!”
And the woman would either be stupid enough to still be accusational, or would stand there thinking “oh shit”… but if she knows she’s wrong, would she admit it? Or just glaze over it like “oh, you should have told me you were going to be late”
The man “i was busy, extra hours were offered”
Yeah, this is where I question women’s integrity, and emotional control. See yes, women are built to have strong emotions, to feel her families needs, to encourage and nurture… but they seem to find it difficult to see how their over reaction causes people to ‘break’.
If a woman can take the time to push regret, scorn, distrust etc, just a few more minutes and ask ‘logical’ questions to find out most of the truth, we’d show ourselves in a better light.
I’ve seen these reactions, i felt them too, but these days I fight every fiber of my being to ONLY channel a reaction when i feel things are unfair. If you talk to me with an attitude, I’ll give it back. If you attack me, I’ll attack back. Yes, autism makes it difficult to judge, but when people are late and my personal anxiety is through the roof, I’ll fight myself not to sulk, not to feel sorry for myself, but to WAIT until i can find out the facts from the other persons end…
Courtesy of my Dad, of course, if I feel I’m being wrongly treated, I’ll have a ‘tough talk’ when I confide in people about my level of anxiety, but when i talk to the person, I don’t work to ‘destroy their mood’ for the day because ‘they destroyed mine’, that’s just savage… I’ll listen to their response and learn for future reference the best I can.
There is always that chance where someone who might be driving to visit you, may have had a near death car accident and was rushed to hospital, they wouldn’t be able to contact you until they can get outside! Would you be prepared for that? Or would you explode inside and damn them to hell… without knowing the facts?
STOP and think. Learn too… coz if a guys messing you around, you will realise he’s not trying to match your personal needs in whatever it is; friendship to relationship….
So if a man comes home late from work, it’ll be like “hey what happened to ya? Why you so late?” I’d study them for fidgeting, delays in speech, certain gestures… if anything looks suspicious, I’d ask them straight. Starting with sympathy… “hey you ok? You’re not looking at me?…” “you seem uneasy?” You’re more likely to hear the full story if you show you’re ‘paying attention’ and ‘listening’.
I’d listen intently, of course my minds going to be going crazy with anxiety, but reacting irrationally is going to make the anxiety worse, can break somebody’s day, and is just not constructive.
So ok, becoming a ‘humanoid’ may never be possible for me, but if you can teach yourself how to output that negative reaction without ‘damaging’ yourself or other people… the amount of control you’d have? You’d truly be a ‘humanoid’, but it would take a lot of practice, finding out how best to channel your negativity, trial, error, and learning. You’d become a master of yourself and catch yourself before you crumble or drown inside. It would become so incredibly natural, you wouldn’t really notice any emotion, you’d just scratch it out completely!
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