My Autism, experiences, social media and general challenges 

Okay, so I’m 35, and Social Media has a lot to answer for in terms of how many people suffer across the various platforms and formats. 

I’m so far finding Twitter a better haven for relaxing, and being myself, but I’ve still seen things I’d rather not seen, and had comments and bullying directed towards me. I believe Facebook is larger, and so there is higher chance of what I call ‘being shot down’. 

Also Windows 10 and Windows Professional pack seems a whole lot different to what I’m used to, so I’m hoping I can still get by… using a laptop…  it’s a bit icky in comparison to a full PC that I’m used to… 

Ok, on with it… Bullies… all my life… all through school, the work place, social media. I’m basically broken. I’m afraid to work again because I know from experience I will never be ‘accepted. How I know this? Because my CV is cram-packed with experiences in different fields, nothing lasting longer than 9 months. I get bullied, trying hard is never enough, then they set me off and have so many different reasons each time. 

Lets travel back in time though… so up until August 2006, I couldn’t hold a job for longer than 9 months. From August 2006 to August 2009 I was employed as a Personal Assistant to a Director. I was on sick leave from June, or July 2009, because I wanted to give up on life. 

Well since my parents asked me to stay, I had a break from work, but when I started back in the job world, it was the same as it always was… no more than 9 months… usually less. 

So the last job I had, I worked for a company where the Boss decided he’d fallen in love with me, despite him and his wife being joint owners. Somehow he used my secret insecurities against me that I’d never told him or anyone. 

So yes… I’ve always felt insecure around polite people, because I can’t read in their face expression, body language, tone of voice, look in their eyes; whether they’re being serious or not. I believe politeness is a version of ‘lying’… nice words, but empty, no meaning. 

This dude, told me ‘no one actually likes me, they’re just being polite’. He advised me that someone was handing in their notice ‘because of me’, that he was always sticking up for me because ppl were always saying stuff against me. I believed him. I thought constantly being rejected had a reason, but people were too polite to be straight with me… and I appreciated what I thought was honesty. Of course I’m fiercely loyal, so I wouldn’t say anything to anyone because I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, putting them on the spot to just ‘tell me the truth’. 

So when his wife let me go, wasn’t because of her husband it was because I wasn’t able to do the job I was in training to do, working in a factory is a bad move generally as asperges syndrome people take longer to process thoughts and actions. So I’d never be fast enough. Of course back then I still wasn’t diagnosed. 

I haven’t been able to work since.

So, that’s a bit of background for you. It’s 2021 and I’ve had various situations over the course of the past year… people picking on me regarding politics, about Covid beliefs, people even saying things about my opinion on a TV series called The Walking Dead because my ‘opinion’ differs to theirs.

I was offered a job last year, but because of a misunderstanding the lady decided to talk to everyone behind my back, get her friends riled up, they asked me questions, thankfully they were all more open minded and I told them the uncut version of the story. They knew the kind of person I am, but I’ve still lost access to massive networking Facebook group, I’m pointlessly on LinkedIn, and obviously the job offer was retracted. I’m not actually worried about money, I just want to be helpful in some way, so I was willing to help her for free if I’m honest. Although some of her friends won’t even talk to me after what transpired, and that’s fine. 

So… live and let live? Yes? As religious people would say, they’d ask God to grant them the wisdom to know what can be changed and what cannot be changed… Bullies? They can’t change. They won’t change. Maybe they don’t want to, or maybe it’s a learned behaviour and they know no other way. 

Back at school, I was bullied heavily, death threats, permanent life changing injury threats, possessions broken, diary for my psychotherapist stolen and shared for their amusement. One thing I couldn’t do… was hate? I spoke to the Alliance I was in on in State of Survival earlier this year, and one of them said they’d like to capture my bullies from school, and bring them before me for me to deal with. 

I said that I can’t hate people, so the chances are I’d kiss them all on the forehead and thank them for making me stronger. A few responded with ‘aww’, but I think that’s what I’d genuinely do? 

You see, the gifts people give you, in a lot of cases comes from people trying to break you. Sure I have a large bag of insecurities, and throughout the years I haven’t been able to change my mind, I still often believe I don’t deserve the air I breath, that I don’t deserve to eat when hungry or drink when thirsty. I suffer from Chronic Depression. 

But the bullies? They’ve taught me what it feels like to ‘feel broken’ and to know that I would never want to inflict that kind of hurt on others. I love unconditionally. If I see bullying for myself, I love talking to bullies because they’re very entertaining. The fact? They actually in most cases don’t know what they’re talking about. So I tend to be polite, ask questions. If they’re bullying someone, I first take the sting off the person they’re ‘attacking’, and try and put myself in the position where they start on me. I remember an old friend from school, she’d gotten married to this fella, had a child with him etc. He didn’t make it… some health complication and he passed I think early 20s? 

The whole family were drunk, picking on my friend in this public chat, saying awful things like it was her fault that it would have been his birthday they were celebrating, but because of her, he’s no longer around. They were cursing her for being a single Mum, and saying some pretty awful things. So I  stepped in. They started telling me it’s none of my business (which is true), but I asked that many questions, they no longer said any more to my friend, they were all against me instead. It was fun because they were stating the obvious, about me ‘sticking my nose in’, but I was just glad that their drunken state was pointless words against me, not someone mourning the passing of her husband on his birthday. People do crazy things. Emotions is the driving force behind this, and of course alcoholic emotions are just random nonsense. 

Social media, I’m often open with my opinions and experiences, so on Facebook people were talking about a gentleman who’s ended himself. I can’t remember what I said but various people were saying I should do it if I want to, take my life, and were offering suggestions. I was shocked and appalled, but I just accepted that some people are damn weird LOL. I do know of a teenager in America who told a bus driver that he was going to end himself that night, and although the bus driver heard, he said ‘ok see you tomorrow’. He wasn’t taken seriously. Family, neighbours. They didn’t take it seriously. 

The parents went out, left the boy at home alone, the neighbours were concerned and called the Mother, the boy grabbed his fathers shotgun, by the time she’d arrived at the house, she heard the shotgun fired. She described all the horror in detail. The fact is, in a lot of cases, people mention they’re struggling, but most people just dismiss it. Until it actually happens. Thankfully the ‘trolls’ who said I should go ahead, I knew not to take them seriously. 

Politics, Covid… I learnt about that lark recently… because I’m open minded and don’t really have much of an opinion, when I see things and think people are just looking for information, I’d stupidly tell them what I know. Then hundreds of people jump on board with conspiracy’s they view as ‘fact’. People calling me names for ‘being blind’, been called a sheep, afraid in a herd, people asking me for what I think will or should happen, and me stupidly going along with it… I didn’t realise they were actually mocking me, until their comments after. Back then on Facebook my middle name was ’Fluttershy’ and my profile picture was ‘Pinkie Pie’ from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. 

Yes, this is my autistic side, that part of me is 6 years old. I live with a 6 year old and a 35 year old woman at the same time in my mind. So of course they were mocking my profile choices, and yet that I was trying to have a ‘grown ups’ conversation about what might happen in the future, brexit, Boris Johnson, employment, they asked me ‘everything’. Reminds me of the scam I fell for on the Sunday just passed. 

Now then… the common thing between bullies and psychopaths? They live for YOUR reaction. They’re fuelled by it. Any attention you give their words, is fuelling what they need. Bullies are people who are probably a bit lost and broken inside themselves, and you kind of ask them questions about what they’ve put, then if they refer to mindless name calling, you know that they’re just looking for a little kick of amusement, or possibly just passive aggressive. 

I still need to study more on psychopaths, it’s actually a lot more complicated than I first give credit, so if you want to understand how their mind works, you’ll need to read a fair bit about them so you can understand their traits and their choices. Psychopaths aren’t actually as bad as the media have made out… some of them can be fairly mild. As with most things, there’s a variety of ‘degrees’ of psychopathological behaviours. Some are manipulative for their own gain, but might never physically hurt you, but some have this massive anger streak where they lose control and might physically attack you. 

A version of psychopath is a ‘Narcissist’, but even that’s more complicated than I originally gave credit to. I’ve heard of many people suffering from the hands of this type, all with varying traits. The thing about a narcissist that I do know, is that your reaction, your suffering, is everything they need to feel in control of themselves, their egos and is the replacement for their emptiness. A part of them that will never feel whole.

When people tell me about someone’s behaviour, I can pretty much figure out who’s a narcissist. In terms of ego, it’s very fragile, but they actually believe they’re an extremely important person, they might hold in high regard one or two others, but basically, they’re ‘king’. You will see by how they look at you, talk to you, their choice of words, what their deep belief system is like. Many people say they can’t tell? But until they have an opinion of you, I guess they would be perfectly polite and amicable. 

I’m in various groups on Facebook that talk about Narcissists, it’s always worth doing your research. So from my very basic knowledge of these traits, they like to twist everything to put them in the favourable spotlight. They often lie, and have no emotion towards the lies they tell, so they’ll look you straight in the eye and be extremely convincing. The only way is to question every step if there’s gaps in their story that don’t properly add up. But they’ll probably get angry, because they want you to believe they’re right or true. 

When they get angry, that’s actually their weakness, and somewhere along the line, they like to try and blame you and ‘your craziness’ on why they’re getting angry. The more you look at them blankly, unnerved, asking calm emotionally dead questions, you’ll see their anger start to rise… and that’s where YOU win. They will threaten and do anything for a reaction, they may even raise a hand to you, but you don’t cry, you don’t show anything… and if you’re somewhere public, that’s the only way other people will know. You cannot tell someone that you think the person they’re interacting with is a narcissist, psychopath or anything that’s saying they have an anti-social personality disorder. 

The victims blame themselves. They’ve been manipulated and brainwashed. The person with Anti-Social Personality Disorder twists your mind into believing it’s ‘your fault’ that they’re reacting. There are various ‘games and tricks’ to look out for, but as soon as you start to question yourself, or find your personality fitting into someone else’s behaviour, you will need to cover your own research, because you need to know deep down what is really going on and how a toxic person might be effecting you. 

So trick with bullies? They actually don’t know you, and you actually don’t know them. The failsafe plan? Is to ignore or laugh with them. As soon as you’re not laughing, don’t show them if they’re hurting you, smile anyway and keep being light hearted. If you’re leaving the conversation, say something that isn’t emotional like ‘I’ve enjoyed talking to you, but I need to…’ always be polite, back away, and stick to what you say – if you’re leaving the convo, don’t say any more no matter what they say. At least, this is how I manage.

A lady was having a go about an actor, calling him all kinds of names, so I asked her why she’s projecting. She blamed him for ruining her own life.

She started to snipe at me with disapproval of my actions. I felt a little heated and quote tweeted her, calling her ‘ray of sunshine’, but when I asked her calm harmless questions, she started to be straight with me. I deleted my quote tweet because I realised she was suffering, and doubt was her self defence mechanism. I relate to this, and I knew. So when she stopped talking to me about her demons on the subject, I didn’t say any more, explained that I understood because I can behave the same sometimes. She just needed someone to understand, she didn’t need to be attacked. She was conflicted and trying to find a way. 

Sometimes by showing no emotion to an attack, people start to question themselves, and the right questions can prompt them into telling you a little more about themselves. Then you know when it’s safe to be supportive and understanding. Sometimes showing love to people who approach as aggressive or with bullying behaviour, they can view things differently if they’re not normally like that. 

Wow this is a long article! Hopefully it helps shed some light, none of this information should be taken as fact, you should always do your own research and find your own way of managing things. I can’t hate, I can only love, and the more pain I feel from peoples behaviour, the more strength I have to love, and I’m always learning my limits. My ability to ‘love’ however, will never be broken.