Musings; they started in a DM

This started out as a message to a friend, but then i got carried away… so just me trying to get deeper inside my head and work out WHAT is going ON?!…

Fed up of myself today… I really am. My brains all over the place. Tired, can’t apply myself to do anything, getting upset because patterns of interacting with other ppl is changing again… i hate that shift… i think it just creates space for my mind to fall into self loathing, doubt and insecurity

Like why can’t i just grow out of it and accept things change, why’s it have to fall into rejection dysphoria bs?! 🙈

(You know, the “I’m not good enough” “will never be good enough” “friendships are limited time only” “I’m the reason” “Failed again” “I’ll never fit in”… just reels and reels, endlessly)

I guess to not have rejection dysphoria, is to accept situations move on and it’s probably not my fault… but i guess the things ppl have said in the past and the fact that I care too much about fitting in, about giving people my time and the wish to make people happy…

…I cut that short and rewrote this bit… like if the reason i breathe is to make a positive difference in peoples world, then i should stop blubbering n get the fk on with it! 🙈

I guess i just don’t have the mental energy, but that basically says it’s not my ONLY purpose… it’s a probably more of a comfort, truthfully? as much as I can hate myself, if i loved ppl enough, I should step up n crack on with it… even if my trainers squelch from all the rain inside.

And maybe that’s why I’m so disappointed in myself, why i get so depressed, because I’m basically letting myself down.

I forget what i learned about the true value of love… is to give unconditionally. If mentally i don’t feel I deserve any happiness, and its sucking away all my willpower and energy, i obviously don’t love others enough, because I’m still concentrating on myself and my suicide attempt in 2009. Still don’t feel I deserve the air i breath, the food i eat, the warmth in my home, the love from others… that i can’t give to society, therefore I’m undeserving of life/living.

And people say “stop being a victim in life”

I’m not sure really, I’m just trying to work out what’s blocking me from moving forward. But part of me clearly doesn’t WANT to, because it always falls back onto ‘I don’t think I’m worth it’ loop, again.

Thanks for reading,

Katie