Ok, so this is a fairly new exploration for me in that I’ve suffered anxiety a long long time, but never before have I fully considered “why” I’m anxious.
I’m not a professional on this subject, but I’ve been challenging myself to explore my anxieties… watching other people, reading new material.
It’s an internet sensation now… people aren’t talking about anxiety anymore, they’re talking about the connection between anxiety and Trauma.
Trauma is popping up ALL over the internet… hashtags, books, apps… Trauma. Reaction, response, repetition…
So on my personal journey I’ve been trying to understand the connections, and I believe what all these “professionals” are trying to tell me is that I have OCD, I have Depression, I have anxiety… but most of this is linked to “Trauma”
Then I started to look at other people… and realised a connection between their reaction, response and repetition… that often I “trigger” them, and they “trigger” me.
My definition of trigger is when an event happens and you struggle to process it. It may display as a panic attack… mild or severe. You may feel ill. You may get weird aches and pains. It could display in so many ways…
But where did “trigger” come from? From “Trauma”, I’m lead to believe. Anxiety… a learned response in most cases from “Trauma”…. Depression? Response to “Trauma”
What is this ugly, all consuming beast that slices through so many, causing fear and mayhem in the minds of many?
The Trauma Monster.
I realise now, even if you suffered even mild repetitive moments of childhood trauma, this then effects your future, and how you may treat your children. The Trauma Monster grows… consuming hope from generation to the next… IF you allow it to.
Could it be, that the “Trauma Monster” sits tapping your shoulder waiting for that moment to take you back to a place of pain? Emotional turmoil? Day in, day out. One day you’re a bit tired… or your hormones are off balance? Or you’re stressed… and it whispers sweet “nothings” in your ear?
Could it be, that the pain you feel might be a reflection of past Trauma? Is all pain that way? Physical Trauma? Illness? How far does this go?
When you get angry… why? Is it a trauma response? Are you defensive? Protective?
Why are you defending or protecting? What are you defending or protecting? Is it your dignity?
These days life is an open book… you can show it to people, hide behind it, or consult it privately… the fact is, it’s your book. It’s written by you. You may have to recollect some pages to solve and remember why you’re making choices today. Choices are caused by so many factors; emotional, logic, and sometimes other forces.
The fact remains… it’s your choice. And it’s sorta ‘bitter sweet’… because whilst trauma isn’t your fault, how you heal and respond actually is. But how?
I think all these books, apps, plans, doctors… not one of them have the answer, but gives clues to the answers for your journey. For your book. Only you can know the aspect of which your choices are made.
It sometimes hurts to admit; YOU have a choice. Trauma can strike from but a small trigger, but do you allow it to turn into a monster? Do you blame others for triggering you? If you blame others for how you feel, you perhaps need to step back. I find it hard to believe that how you ‘feel’ is actually anyones fault. Life is by your book, your journey, your ‘interpretation’ of attitude, what’s said, the choice of wording.
Take a while to consider why you feel. How you feel. Who makes you feel. What if the answer to every trigger is: because the other person was triggered.
You can then choose. “I’m feeling annoyed by a person”… “why am I feeling annoyed?” “Who is this that is annoying me?” “Are they acting out of trigger response?” “Am I acting out of trigger response?”
I’m realising a loop; a parent feels rejected by their parents from childhood… causes rejection dysphoria… so they pass that insecurity through their learned parental experiences, the new generation grows up with rejection dysphoria with their own memory and journey. The cycle passes through, but not only that, during moments of trigger they could turn to anyone and pass their trigger onto others. So then the trauma experience expands into another person’s journey, becomes part of their book.
How far does trauma have to go before we ask ourselves the questions we need to correct our choices? To correct our judgement of others? If we look at each person as a book of journeys and trauma events, could we perhaps then learn a little more acceptance?
I’d love to know your thoughts, it’s an area I’m just exploring myself and I’m keen to learn how to conquer my fears, to become a stronger and better person. I have an opportunity to become a person full of heart and understanding, and it’s only through conversing with others I feel i may learn further.
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