Somehow my brain suddenly started making sense of things I couldn’t before…
When people started telling me that I was being a problem, when interacting with them over the past few days, i reacted poorly. I suspected that they were trying to corner me, like the Covert Narcissist that affected me over the space of a few months, mostly last year.
I only realised what was going on when i found an article that perfectly described the effect; interacting with a person like that was having… not on myself purely, but others around too.
Everyone was being put on the edge… and feel they had to make a choice for the good of everyone else. But I’ll stop the detail there.
I became very afraid of people, and started reacting to defend myself… and only noticed this yesterday!
People felt I was being passive aggressive, manipulative, and couldn’t see who I really am. My intentions were getting confused in my personally overwhelming fears.
It was an emotional moment when i realised, and since then various things started making a lot of sense…
That I lack social and emotional maturity!
That to achieve this, to shadow my role model, I must become more ‘accepting’.
Through this I realise… it doesn’t matter how people are, how they behave… we are all human with different brains. That to accept some people are just ‘wired’ differently, doesn’t mean they’re actually bad people, that their behaviour shouldn’t change me or my views, that who they are is part of them… it all becomes a rush… that i can actually accept everyone on their own merit, and appreciate everyones identity…
I imagine possibly most people know this already, but for me, it’s an entirely new concept.
It’s like I just meditated… one time my cat was annoying me by constantly meowing. I sat down, meditated. Went into the kitchen and realised a huge weight had been lifted. He was meowing, but I accepted he’s a cat and his way to communicate is to meow. That if I accept this, and appreciate this personality, rather than see it as something that ‘hurts’ me… all the things that hurts about it, vanishes. And ever since, I’ve amused myself with it in a soft way… talking to him like he’s placing a food order, or mimic being assertive like it’s an argument, or just telling him how damn cute he is and that My heart’s melting and I can’t handle it and HOW DARE HE attack my emotional weakness, how unfair 😆, OR, i turn it into a song… 🎶I’m bringing kitty-back “meow!” 🎶and half the humans don’t know how to act, “meow!”
I don’t mean any harm by anything, he senses where I’m at emotionally, so I make sure not to change my actual emotions when i acting around him, I ensure to maintain a softness, always.
So i guess that shows I’m part way through the process… of fine tuning my viewpoint… because to change my viewpoint is to change my reaction. It starts from inside.
So when I talk to people who ‘feel’ hostile, aggressive… communicate differently… react hot and cold in their behaviour with no actual pattern i can possibly understand… that’s not a me problem. It’s maybe not even a ‘them’ problem. It’s something that I may not ever be able to understand… but it’s ok, it’s how they are; how they react, how they deal with stuff. And essentially? That’s none of my business, nor my place to question and wonder, but to accept people are indeed wired differently and some might trigger some of my wires, but my reaction to that is in MY control. And I shouldn’t expect anyone else to understand my wiring either! If they want to know, they can ask, and I’ll know they may be interested and perhaps then I can ask them things too? Connect?
But those who push me and pull me around with no hints… that’s ok. They’re ok. I’m ok. The world is okay. Everything is ‘actually’ fine! (Not in a woman’s manipulative “FINE!”, but in a sincere way!)
Thank you for reading, lots unfolding everyday right now, and I feel satisfied within myself that I’m making progress!
Katie
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